inheritedpain | IC INBOX: PRISMATICA

[Guangyao, Guangshan, likely the man’s father before him and before him too. Zixuan could have broken the chain, he thinks. Now, Jin Ling certainly will.]

I am choosing to be better. I am learning. I cannot promise no mistakes, but I will try not to make them, and to learn from them. That is my promise. I truly could not be prouder of the man you’ve become, Jin Ling.

i don't

i don't want your pride

[ Even if it was something Jin Ling would have nearly killed for, a month ago. Even if it was something he secretly desperately craved, even now.

The words still felt painful and twisted. ]

you haven't earned the right to be proud of me.

so you'd better.

It’s not like I don’t get it. [ Mumbled a little quietly, and half too himself. His duplicate made him incredibly insecure, and if their positions were reversed—

Well, Jin Ling would probably have been a lot less graceful about it. ]

I just don’t want to mess anything up, either.

[ He let his hand fall back to his side. ]

I’m fine. I’m not the one I’m worried about. [ A beat, a hint of colour as he looked away. ] Not that I’m worried!! [ He was worried. ] But you know what I mean.

[ Sizhui gives a shaky sigh, hearing the words making so much of a difference. Even if he knows the words won't change anything, they somehow still do. So he swallows, squaring his shoulders a little. ]

Thank you. It's... we can't change who comes and goes, I guess. But here and now, you are here, and I am glad.

... I know you are. [ Within reason, but in this context, he means it without restraint - Jin Ling did so very well. Sizhui's thoughts spin, fast, though, trying to put together the things he is told, the things he knows, and the things he guesses. ] I meant... him. Me and him, really, and in this case, him, because that's how we should be. The ribbon, it means self-regulation, self-restraint. And the moons make it difficult, and his mind is probably spinning out of control.

I. I will talk with him. Different moons, but at least... he won't be alone. [ Sizhui smiles slightly at Jin Ling...

Then finally flops a little, carefully, against Jin Ling's body. ]

You really did well, you know. Especially for how he did surprise you. And now I can try to help, too. [ He shifts a little until he can prop his chin on Jin Ling's robes, and one arm is around Jin Ling in sort of a hug. ] I know it feels like it can't be right, because everything is intense and he was upset. But it will be all right, A-Ling. Together, we'll find a way to make it all right.

[ He leans into it, but his brows knit and his gaze drops, frowning, as he starts aimlessly picking at a loose thread near his knee. ]

... Yeah. Okay.

[ What else was there to say to that? If Sizhui said that it would be okay, that they'd find a way to make it okay... he believed him.

He let out a breath, quiet for a moment as the thoughts slowly revolved in his mind. ]

... If the headband - if it's for self-regulation, self-restraint... Then what does it mean when you give it to someone else?

Inside.

[ Sizhui takes his hand and leads him to his room, then steps out to get the wine, bringing it back along with.

Ice cream. Because why not.

And cups, and two spoons. They're eating ice cream from the box.

And he sets all of that down and pours the wine, then raises his cup at Jin Ling. ]

Here goes.

[ He rubs his reddened eyes and cheeks again as he follows Sizhui, nervously looking out for Sizhui’s guardians as they make their way through the house.

He doesn’t relax until they’re in Sizhui’s room, letting out a breath as the door is closed behind Sizhui as he returns. He steps over, reaching out to take the small cup, and raises it to Sizhui. ]

Here goes.

[ He tips the whole thing back at one, the burn more familiar now than it had once been. Almost enjoyable. He manages not to cough, this time, though he does clear his throat as a warmth spreads through his chest. ]

... Alright, lemme at that ice cream...

Edited 2020-04-21 20:34 (UTC)

[ Sizhui, on the other hand, does cough and make a face, before he smooths his expression out, frowning at the cup. ]

I kind of see why young master Wei spills about a third of any wine he drinks...

[ And then. He brightens! ]

Ice cream! That is sweet, much nicer... hold on!

[ He opens the box and takes up a spoon, scoops up some ice cream...

... and offers it to Jin Ling. ]

Or the ice cream at you!

[ Sizhui hums, unselfconsciously melodious, listening to Jin Ling's heartbeat. ]

It means two things. One is that taking it off unbinds us from the rules, so we do not have to follow them the same way as before.

And the other one is putting all that we have worked for, all that we are, in the hands of someone else. In the hands of your fated person.

[ Oh no, Sizhui coughing over his drink is really really cute... ]

Well he’s careless with everything so how is that a surprise!

[ He watches Sizhui open up the ice cream, grabbing the other spoon for himself and preparing to dig in when he found himself presented with an offered morsel. He blinked, not totally sure what to do with it, at first, before his face flushed when he realized. ]

What, you think I’m some kid that you need to feed me? [ He accused without an ounce of heat before leaning over to take the offered spoonful in his mouth. Fucking Sizhui. Being too cute for life... ]

[ One hand rose to aimlessly stroke Sizhui’s hair where he was resting against his chest, glad that the other boy couldn’t see his face, even if he could probably hear the way his heart faltered.

He hadn’t forgotten the time Sizhui mentioned that he’d almost wanted to give it to him.

He was glad, now, that he hadn’t. There was no way he was Sizhui’s fated person. He wasn’t even from the same world. He knew that.

He’d known that from before he even thought about doing this for real. So why did it hurt so badly, then? ]

Oh. [ Super eloquent. Good job. ] Okay.

We don’t really have a similar thing, I guess.

...nope. What if I just...

[ ... okay there was enough alcohol to make him think of the words, but not enough to be able to say them. Not easily, and not without his face getting red. And mumbling a little. Because he can discuss things he knows and serious matters and even tease just fine but. Suggestive jokes might just be beyond him still. ]

Yourlipslooknicewhentheywraparoundthespoon

[ Nope, said spoon goes into the ice cream and both of his hands go covering his face.

Congratulations, Jin Ling, you have witnessed Sizhui running into something he's not great at. Yet.

If you can appreciate it and all. ]

[ Sizhui does hear. And his own breath catches. After a moment, he shifts. ]

A-Ling... there is something Hanguang-jun said which... I want to... tell you, too.

He said that... we were brought here by fate. And that even in different worlds, Senior Wei would be his fated person.

It...

[ He swallows, a giant lump suddenly in his throat, and he buries his face in Jin Ling's clothes. Breathes in, deeply, a few times before finally looking up again. ]

This is probably not the right time, not when things are already complicated. But it. Maybe something to consider. [ Smile. ] About you and me.

[ He doesn’t smile back. His brows furrow a little, pinching at the bridge of his nose, and his hand stills in Sizhui’s hair. Fuck, for some reason that hurts even worse. ]

That’s because Wei Wuxian and Hanguang-Jun are supposed to be together. [ murmured quietly. ] Here and at home. It’s easy for him to say, when no matter what happens, he gets to see Uncle Wei again. Both of them came in pairs. Even when your Senior Wei went home, it wasn’t for long. Fate just dragged them back again.

[ He looked away, his frown setting deeper. ]

It would be pretty cruel of fate it that was supposed to be us. [ He pointed out, his voice low. ] It would be pretty cruel to think that if we had to go home, you’d— you’d be on your own. I don’t like that at all.

[ Slightest head-shake, careful to not dislodge Jin Ling's hand. ]

For thirteen years, he didn't think, or know, that he would ever see him again. There was not even a shred of anything to burn or bury, so I'm sure that he could even think they would meet in the afterworld, or reincarnated. He knows now, but - he knows what it's like to have no shred of hope.

What he meant is... The fated person, the one who makes ... all the difference. The one who is in your heart and - existence after knowing them is different from before. That person may not be someone you can be together with.

[ It just hurts so much more when-- ]

It would be cruel of fate, but ... at least we have met. At least we are together, here and now. At least...

[ Sizhui squeezes his eyes, because they're burning, and rests his cheek back on Jin Ling's chest. ]

I can stop talking now, too. If you'd like.

Sixteen years.

[ The correction is automatic but quiet. Just one example of how their worlds differed. A whole extra three years... what would his life have been like, if he’d been that young when everything happened? What would have changed?

He let out a long breath, shifting to rest his chin on Sizhui’s head. ]

... you don’t have to stop talking. [ Quietly. ]

I just... you don’t even know that you’ll remember me. How am I supposed to make any difference if you won’t even remember it?

You make a difference now.

[ The delay in the answer is not very great. Enough to consider the question, but not enough to be doubting or hesitating in his answer. Because he's not.

Sizhui keeps his upper body still, only raising his legs to tuck them in, close to his body, half between them and half under himself. ]

I've been thinking about it since that conversation. It's. Even among Lans, there are many who never meet their fated ones throughout their lives. Maybe they don't have any. Or maybe the person for some of them is just. Somewhere too far away.

At least I can get to know you now. Even if I won't remember, I can't regret you. I won't.

That’s not fair, [ He said a little roughly. ]

I don’t — [ He cut off and sigh, annoyed, but not with Sizhui. It had been a lot easier when he had just thought of this place as extra. As a chance he had that he wouldn’t get otherwise. Like a long, extended dream.

He didn’t know what to do with the idea that he might dream of love only to wake up, unremembering, to never know it. Though it didn’t feel as bad for him. He’d get married at some point. He would have to. He would have something.

But the idea of Sizhui never having someone—

He swallowed thickly.

He could be jealous, sometimes. Especially about his other self. But he had never wished more earnestly for Sizhui to love someone other than him, before. Because the more Sizhui talked the more Jin Ling wanted to believe it.

Fated person. To be the one person worth everything.

How cruel would he be, to claim that?

He swallowed again, and deflected. ]

Who said anything about regretting me? Of course you won’t. You’d be stupid to regret me.

I just-

Is it that bad that I just - want to think that you’d be happy anyway?

Edited 2020-04-22 20:20 (UTC)

Sorry.

[ So quiet, but it's still there, an automatic reaction to Jin Ling's initial outbursts because he's right. It isn't.

His heart is twisting in every way possible. Because Jin Ling doesn't want it, but not because he doesn't want him. He doesn't want the pain it would cause him. Both of them. And it hurts, and makes him happy, and makes him hurt so much worse for Jin Ling, and.

He moves, shifts so he can hold the other boy, careful not to headbutt him in the chin in the process. He is... something. Older? Not really. Less upset? Barely, if any, but we'll count it. He's the one who can and should offer comfort. Not chip away at the good things Jin Ling is doing. ]

It's not bad. It's... really one of the best things anyone has felt towards me. And yes, I want us both to be happy, too. It...

It was just... thoughts. Either way, any way, I love you, truly ~~madly deeply~~ and you do make me happy, here. My heart does cooomplicated things because of how you are, because of what you do, because of what you say, and even when it clenches up, I don't want to miss a thing.

But I - you did put it best. I do want to think that you will be happy, anyway. And to make as much of that happen as I can.

[ He leans into the embrace, slumping a little against the other boy.

No one warned him that it hurt this much. It was supposed to be a good thing to love someone, wasn’t it? Not something what kept right on the edges of panic and pain whenever you thought too hard about the situation you were in.

Though Wei Wuxian always seemed like he was basically dying any time he and Hanguang-Jun spoke, but that was different, right? They weren’t really on the same page yet. And they were fated to meet again.

He and Sizhui... ]

I love you too. [ Mumbled, almost heart broken. ]

I— I don’t want to miss anything, either. I don’t - I don’t want to go home. Ever. [ A miserable quiet confession. ] I know I have to, I know that my Sect needs me but I—

It’s not fair. It’s not fair that I got to meet you, or my dad, or Harry or Yuri— not fair that my uncle is so young and so hopeful and happy, not fair that Uncle Wei is completely unburdened by anything later. Is it because everyone is so miserable back home that they get to be happy here? Is that it? Is the rest of my life going to continue that same track?

Am I — [ Ah. Yeah. There were the tears as they started to sting his yes and he buried his face into Sizhui’s shoulder, suddenly overwhelmed with grief. ]

Things here don’t even make any sense but I’ve never been this happy and I never want to leave.

[ Jin Ling blinked, barely able to parse the sentence before Sizhui has already buried his face in his hands. What had he even sa—

Oh. A hint of colour rose to his cheeks. Oh no, that was cute...

And- and kind of hot.

He cleared his throat and then faked a scoff, taking the spoon from Sizhui. ]

My lips always look good, what are you making such a big deal out of?

[ He dug the spoon into the ice cream, pulling out a generous portion, and then held it up for Sizhui. ]

Here. Just have some ice cream.

[ But If Sizhui raises his head to look, the spoon immediately dropped and Jin Ling slipped forward to steal a kiss. ]

[It has been a while. Since they last met, Sizhui is staying with his father and uncle, focusing on his lessons and studies. But out of duty, he needs to check in on him...if he's still here.]

Jin Ling, are you still here?

[ He should have texted people first, but... He might have been a little lost, until prodded with the question. ]

Zizhen is no longer here.

[ He frowns at the message, and turns on video instead. ]

Of course I’m still here. Are you okay?

IC INBOX: PRISMATICA

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text;

text; after Sizhui asked

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