[ It's not an excuse, he knows that. Just an explanation. A recounting of events he has no real way to defend. ]
...I just turned twenty, did you know? Back home, it's chaos. War. Wei Wuxian's— Wei Wuxian was missing. I've only been sect leader for a couple months. I go weeks without seeing A-Jie, knowing she's out there running herself ragged, trying to give everything she has to the injured, the dying.
I'm not... trying to excuse it, I just—
[ Jiang Cheng sucks in a breath, tight, strained, trying to bite back his traitorous tears. ]
...I know you don't understand me. I think about... about your uncle, about the guy you're always talking about, someone who raised you and. Lived all those years, without anyone he grew up with at his side and. I don't... understand him either.
I'm not him, A-Ling. I don't know if I can be him. I don't know if I should try. But I still... I want to be your family. I'm... trying to get this right.
I'm not used to these responsibilities yet. Any of them.
[ He swallows hard, shuts his eyes. ]
...for a minute, I just wanted to be myself again. I wanted... to chase what made me happy. I wanted to be enough. Just for a minute, I wanted to be enough for someone as I was.
no subject
[ It's not an excuse, he knows that. Just an explanation. A recounting of events he has no real way to defend. ]
...I just turned twenty, did you know? Back home, it's chaos. War. Wei Wuxian's— Wei Wuxian was missing. I've only been sect leader for a couple months. I go weeks without seeing A-Jie, knowing she's out there running herself ragged, trying to give everything she has to the injured, the dying.
I'm not... trying to excuse it, I just—
[ Jiang Cheng sucks in a breath, tight, strained, trying to bite back his traitorous tears. ]
...I know you don't understand me. I think about... about your uncle, about the guy you're always talking about, someone who raised you and. Lived all those years, without anyone he grew up with at his side and. I don't... understand him either.
I'm not him, A-Ling. I don't know if I can be him. I don't know if I should try. But I still... I want to be your family. I'm... trying to get this right.
I'm not used to these responsibilities yet. Any of them.
[ He swallows hard, shuts his eyes. ]
...for a minute, I just wanted to be myself again. I wanted... to chase what made me happy. I wanted to be enough. Just for a minute, I wanted to be enough for someone as I was.
I didn't do it to hurt you.
I did it to stop hurting me.