I loved my son. [He says it swift and quick, his voice suddenly harsh at the insinuation he didn’t.] I adored him. That’s why— What I did— [He looks down at the table again and closes his eyes briefly, his hands trembling.]
I thought... The things I did... I thought I had to do them. That I had no choice. But I... was wrong. I simply made the wrong choice, because the right ones were too— I didn’t want to face them.
[He’s not making sense there, he knows and he looks up at Jin Ling, watching him with a pained expression.]
I got your father killed because of my jealousy and my desperation to secure my position in the Jin clan. My son... He was... [He pauses, unsure how to say any of it. He doesn’t need to know about him and Qin Su— that wasn’t the point of any of this. He doesn’t mention why he killed Guangshan either because he figures if there’s any murder he did that no one could reasonably hold against him it was that one. And Jin Ling didn’t have a connection to Mingjue, so there’s no point in digging up the mess and confusing the points further by bringing him up more.
So he focuses on the two important ones to Jin Ling: His father and his cousin.] There was something... Not quite right with him. He wasn’t developing right. I was afraid of the rumors that might grow once it was found out and the hardships he’d endure from it. But it was mostly my own selfishness and cowardice.
...Your father— ...He was a good man. He adored you and I... Let my jealousy and my desire for power consume me until I was willfully blinding myself to his good traits. By killing my father’s heirs, I could secure myself into the position of the head of the Jin Clan after his death.
[Why was he doing this? He takes a breath again and stares at a fixed point over Jin LIng’s shoulder.] ...I’m telling you these things because... Because you deserve to know the truth. [And because Meng Yao can’t bear the adoration and love he knows he doesn’t deserve.]
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I thought... The things I did... I thought I had to do them. That I had no choice. But I... was wrong. I simply made the wrong choice, because the right ones were too— I didn’t want to face them.
[He’s not making sense there, he knows and he looks up at Jin Ling, watching him with a pained expression.]
I got your father killed because of my jealousy and my desperation to secure my position in the Jin clan. My son... He was... [He pauses, unsure how to say any of it. He doesn’t need to know about him and Qin Su— that wasn’t the point of any of this. He doesn’t mention why he killed Guangshan either because he figures if there’s any murder he did that no one could reasonably hold against him it was that one. And Jin Ling didn’t have a connection to Mingjue, so there’s no point in digging up the mess and confusing the points further by bringing him up more.
So he focuses on the two important ones to Jin Ling: His father and his cousin.] There was something... Not quite right with him. He wasn’t developing right. I was afraid of the rumors that might grow once it was found out and the hardships he’d endure from it. But it was mostly my own selfishness and cowardice.
...Your father— ...He was a good man. He adored you and I... Let my jealousy and my desire for power consume me until I was willfully blinding myself to his good traits. By killing my father’s heirs, I could secure myself into the position of the head of the Jin Clan after his death.
[Why was he doing this? He takes a breath again and stares at a fixed point over Jin LIng’s shoulder.] ...I’m telling you these things because... Because you deserve to know the truth. [And because Meng Yao can’t bear the adoration and love he knows he doesn’t deserve.]