inheritedpain | IC INBOX: PRISMATICA

[ Jin Ling freezes, not moving as he stares at his uncle, an ice cold feeling of dread sliding down his spine. ]

What?

[ It makes no sense. None at all. And after a second he started to shake his head, a little fiercely. ]

They— they’re just jealous! They always are! Uncle— who would dare do that to you?? Who do I- we can’t let them get away with it!

[ He hasn’t yet considered the difference between “I was accused of” and “I had committed”, yet... ]

[His heart feels like it’s breaking and tears gather at the corner of his eyes. His courage wavers once more. He wants to stop it now, already. Yes, jealousy, yes it was false, yes he was innocent—

But he’s not. The blood that stained his hands could never be washed away completely. They so often say that the truth will set you free, but he doesn’t feel free. He feels the shackles of truth weighing him down, strangling him, holding him back from happiness that’s just out of reach. A few more well-places lies and maybe he could’ve had some of it back. Everything has been better as Meng Yao. Why couldn’t have have stayed as Meng Yao?

He doesn’t dare touch Jin Ling to try and calm him, holding his hand out in a ‘stop’ gesture.] Jin Ling. They were not wrong to accuse me.

I confessed to my crimes. They were all true. Your uncle is the worst sort of person, and I’ve done... terrible things. [He wants to soften this, to say he’s trying to do better now, but he can’t bring himself to. It feels too much like manipulation and he’s been trying—god has he been trying—to not twist things up anymore. He can’t trust himself anymore with that— when he speaks nowadays, how much of it is truth or just trying to explain, and how much is manipulating things? He doesn’t want his intentions to be misinterpreted.]

I’ve killed many people in my efforts to get where I am. Many I regret. Some I do not. [Meng Yao pauses and slowly grips his hands on top of the table, taking a breath.]

...You have been seeking proof of Wei Wuxian’s innocence. I am offering you that proof today, with my confessions.

[ It gets very hard to breathe, suddenly, as Jin Ling tries to arrange the words coming from his uncle's mouth into an order in which they make any sense to him.

His uncle can't be the worst sort of person. It's just literally impossible. His uncle is the best of them - above all of the dirt of the rest of the cultivation world - his kindness and his generosity known to literally everyone. His careful smile, his considered hand, his measured judgement--

He doesn't know why his Uncle is doing this, doesn't understand why he's lying to him.

And yet that frozen dread grows, as if a piece of him knows that something isn't right...

He forces himself to breath in.

Proof of Wei Wuxian's innocence--

It feels like he's been stabbed in the gut, and sudden his too-pale face flushes with red blotches under his skin. ]

Say what you mean. [ Tightly, the apprehension and worry audible in his voice. ]

Don't - how could you possibly - who would you even-- don't make me guess, say what you mean. I don't understand--

[He looks down at his hands and closes his eyes. Yes. He had to actually speak up, actually say what he meant to say. Subtly tended to fly over Jin Ling’s head start the best of times, so there was no point in trying to hedge around anything; Meng Yao would just have to be blunt.]

Nie Mingjue. Your grandfather, Jin Guangshan. Your... [He pauses, takes a breath, starts again.] your cousin, Jin Rusong. And... Your father. Jin Zixuan. I did not kill them directly, exactly, but I... I was the cause of their deaths. I orchestrated things so that they would die, so I could further my own goals—it might as well have been my hand holding the proverbial sword.. My ambitions overshadowed any love I might’ve had for them.

I... There is nothing I can say to make this easier or better. This isn’t the truth you wanted to know. But... it’s the truth, nonetheless.

Edited 2020-03-18 14:23 (UTC)

[ It starts like a pinch - someone squeezing his heart between two fingers, and twisting. It expands quickly outward, wrenching his lungs out of alignment, twisting his guts horribly.

This is a joke. It has to be a joke. It doesn't make any sense-- ]

You're lying. [ He hasn't noticed just how hard he's gripping the tea cup in his hands, the fluid untouched, is knuckles turning white. ]

Why are you--

What do you mean any love you might've had--

[ His chest hurts and he stands up suddenly, still gripping the cup and spilling half of it. ]

What are you trying to tell me! That everything I know about you is a lie? Is that what you're trying to say? That you didn't even love my cousin before you--

[ He can't breathe. He sucks in air as tightly as he can.

His father-- ]

Why are you doing this!

I loved my son. [He says it swift and quick, his voice suddenly harsh at the insinuation he didn’t.] I adored him. That’s why— What I did— [He looks down at the table again and closes his eyes briefly, his hands trembling.]

I thought... The things I did... I thought I had to do them. That I had no choice. But I... was wrong. I simply made the wrong choice, because the right ones were too— I didn’t want to face them.

[He’s not making sense there, he knows and he looks up at Jin Ling, watching him with a pained expression.]

I got your father killed because of my jealousy and my desperation to secure my position in the Jin clan. My son... He was... [He pauses, unsure how to say any of it. He doesn’t need to know about him and Qin Su— that wasn’t the point of any of this. He doesn’t mention why he killed Guangshan either because he figures if there’s any murder he did that no one could reasonably hold against him it was that one. And Jin Ling didn’t have a connection to Mingjue, so there’s no point in digging up the mess and confusing the points further by bringing him up more.

So he focuses on the two important ones to Jin Ling: His father and his cousin.] There was something... Not quite right with him. He wasn’t developing right. I was afraid of the rumors that might grow once it was found out and the hardships he’d endure from it. But it was mostly my own selfishness and cowardice.

...Your father— ...He was a good man. He adored you and I... Let my jealousy and my desire for power consume me until I was willfully blinding myself to his good traits. By killing my father’s heirs, I could secure myself into the position of the head of the Jin Clan after his death.

[Why was he doing this? He takes a breath again and stares at a fixed point over Jin LIng’s shoulder.] ...I’m telling you these things because... Because you deserve to know the truth. [And because Meng Yao can’t bear the adoration and love he knows he doesn’t deserve.]

Edited 2020-03-18 16:02 (UTC)

[ It was as if all sound faded out around him. Like the entire world dimmed, a gentle buzz replacing it. Or the sound of his blood rushing through his ears.

He stepped backward, dropping the cup and feeling the remaining tea splash over the end of his robes. He didn't care. He was trying to stop the world from flipping under him but he couldn't--

Something snapped in him at the last comment, and abruptly he raised his gaze, the anger so sharp and peircing he swore he could feel fire licking at his throat. ]

I deserved my father! [ He snapped, his voice far too loud. ]

Like my cousin should have deserved his!

You-- A rumour-- jealousy--

[ Breathe. Fucking breathe, Jin Ling, or you are going to pass out. He sucked in harsh air between gritted teeth, his hand having somehow found the hilt of his sword, still buried in its sheath but clutched tight. ]

And what if he'd been fine, huh? What if your son had been perfect? Would you have just killed me, instead, to keep the position safe for him?

[ He was yelling. He wasn't trying to yell, but he couldn't contain the volume of his voice. Or the way his eyes were already brimming with tears.

This was too much. How was he supposed to react to it...? ]

[Meng Yao flinches slightly at Jin Ling’s raised voice, but he doesn’t try to move away. If Jin LIng is going to stab him or something, well... He deserved it far more than Wei Wuxian had.

He doesn’t actually think Jin Ling will do that, but he lifts his head to meet the accusations head-on.] You did. And I took that from you. [The question makes him pause, openly shocked.

...What would he have done? Would he have killed Jin Ling instead? An accident during a night hunt somewhere in Yunmeng, so Jiang Cheng could take the guilt for it instead of Jin Guangyao?

No, he liked Jiang Cheng well enough—too much to do something like that, which might’ve incited whispered anger for retribution. No, he would’ve done it somewhere else, so as to get rid of some other political enemy. Perhaps the same opposing clan that had died for the blame for Rusong’s death, even.

Or perhaps he wouldn’t at all. He honestly didn’t know. He doesn’t say any of that, of course. Jin Ling asks his question and the thoughts race for half a second in quick succession and as he gets over his shock he quickly responds:] No. [He shakes his head]

No, I— I know you might not believe it now, but no. I love you. I truly do. I would never truly harm you.

[Threaten his life? Sure. Actually kill him? Hmm. Debatable. Even in the temple he hadn’t wanted to actually harm or kill Jin Ling, just secure his own escape.

He stares at Jin Ling helplessly, feeling everything crumbling to dust around him. The tears fall and he doesn’t bother trying to wipe them away, his voice wavering as he struggles to keep himself steady.]

There’s no amount of apologies I can offer. I was killed for this, but even my death is not enough to make up for the pain and injustice I’ve caused you.

[ He could barely see, now, his eyes brimming with angry tears, tearing at his throat. ]

How would your death make up for anything? [ His voice cracked into a sob, still raised. He was actually shaking, now, Suihua trembling in his grasp. ]

You take my father and my cousin, you - you let me believe that my Uncle destroyed my life - and all you have to offer is your own head, too?

[ His face screwed up painfully and he hissed, stepping backwards and nearly tripping over the tea cup. ]

How can you-- [ His voice broke again, and the tears drew hot traces down his cheeks. He couldn't do this. He refused. ]

Don't-- I can't deal with this. I can't deal with you. Don't look for me.

I don’t know what else to offer. [His voice breaks a little as well and he doesn’t try to stop Jin Ling, doesn’t know if it’s his place to even try. He rises too, because he’s too restless to just sit there but even once up he doesn’t know what to do.

He watches Jin Ling and his fingers clench at his sides.] Lan Xichen. [He finally manages to get out, and it feels like it takes all of his effort.] He’s the only one who knows as much as I.

Go to him. If you need to talk about— about what happened. What I’ve said. Talk to him.

A-Ling— Jin Ling. I’m... [He stops and bows his head] I will... Always be here.

Don't tell me what to do!

[ It snaps out like a bullwhip. However well intentioned the suggestion might be, the idea of Jin Guangyao giving him advice on anything made every atom in him revolt. ]

If he knew and didn't tell me then he's just the same as you!

[ He didn't mean it, not really. But he was so furious that it didn't really matter what he actually meant, just that it came out in the most painful way possible.

He shook his head roughly and backed away to the door. ]

I don't - I don't care, don't look for me again!

[ He turned abruptly for the door, fully intending to walk right out of it and never come back if he could help it. ]

[He’s raised Jin Ling, so he knows better than to think Jin Ling is saying things he truly means. It doesn’t make it all hurt any less, however, as he steps around the table and bends to pick up the tea cup that Jin Ling had dropped.

His fingers curl around the cup and he stares helplessly after Jin Ling. He wants to stop him, but he doesn’t know if it’d be better to do that or let him go.]

Jin Ling. [Guangyao was a man whose point of pride had always been his words. He’d been praised up and down for the ability to end conflicts with a few well-placed ones, smooth tensions, raise people up. And yet now he was at a loss.]

...I will always love you. No matter what you choose after this... I’ll love you. [He won’t stop Jin Ling from storming out, because maybe that’s what he needs to do right now. Get away, burn off his anger, rage and cry and process this all. He’s not sure if Jin Ling specifically needs him right now in this moment, but Meng Yao wanted him to know this much truth at least.]

[ He had the door half way open as the words slid into his spine like knives. Able to feel her companion’s emotions often as fiercely as her own, Fairy started to growl, low and quiet.

He turned his head sharply, eyes bright with rage, mouth twisted with grief. ]

Maybe that would mean something if I thought you knew what that meant.

[ He didn’t waste another breath. He was out the door, Fairy hot on his heels, and he slammed it after him hard enough to make the walls shake. ]

IC INBOX: PRISMATICA

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