inheritedpain | IC INBOX: PRISMATICA

[ Xichen closes his eyes, just for a moment, then nods. When he looks again, they seem so, so old and tired, but also gentle. He cups his hands and bows his head.

After a moment, his composure is mostly back. ]

Yes. [ Neither is Xichen prone to lying, nor does Jin Rulan deserve less than the truth. ] When he realized that you did not, he asked that I give him a little time but allow him to be the one who tells you.

I was not going to allow him to delay too long, or let you make mistakes because of ignorance. But he...

[ Xichen seeks for words for a moment, then shakes his head. ]

Learning from anyone else would have been worse.

I already made mistakes because of it.

[ Snapped a little too quickly before he raised his eyes to fix a sullen glare on the first jade of Lan. ]

I made a hundred thousand mistakes because of it. You gave him the choice to let him have time, but you didn’t give me a choice. You let— you let—

[ But the tears were back now, brimming his eyes, and he clicked his tongue and turned his head away, sullenly glaring at the wall. ]

Loving is never a mistake. And you did not hurt anyone because of it.

[ Xichen swallows, slightly. Oh, he does not disagree with Jin Rulan about some of it. ]

Then I would rather you blame me for hiding it from you than him. It was his obligation to tell.

I will not let him hide behind others again.

Yes I did! [ Maybe not physically, but— ]

I hurt Jiujiu and I hurt Uncle Wei and Senior Wei and I am pretty sure I even hurt Hanguang-Jun!

Just because I didn’t stab someone this time—

[ He cut himself off, face twisting miserably. ]

You let him have the love that my noble uncles should have had. That’s what you did.

[ Said as if he could stop loving Jin Guangyao even now. Said as if that wasn’t half the problem. ]

[ Xichen holds his breath for a moment, then carefully kneels down in front of the youth, not reaching or anything, but certainly no longer looming. ]

You need not fear that loving one person will make you love another less. [ Quietly, gently. ]

I do not know if he is as sorry about it all as he should be. But I do think that those he harmed before are at this time safe from him.

That is why I gave him time. And your uncles...

They have not yet been through the pain he caused them. Only you, who are his kin, and Wangji, who is mine.

I dragged them into it! [ He snapped, his eyes welling with tears again. ] My uncle -- I told him almost the moment he got here, that he hated Wei Wuxian! That he killed him! I told him!

I told him, and it was based on a - on a lie, and I ruined everything, and I--

[ His face was screwing up, eyes brimming, and he forced himself to look away so that the sect leader couldn't see his face. ]

He doesn't - he told me in the same breath that he loved my cousin and that he killed him. For nothing. For rumours. That he killed my father over jealousy. If it took so little for him to kill them in the first place, then what would love ever change about it anyway!

[ Xichen breathes out, softly. Jin Rusong... He remembers the way Jin Guangyao held his son. If asked then, he would not have hesitated to say that he adored the boy.

How blind he was. ]

What is between Sect Leader Jiang and young master Wei is... complicated. It has roots deeper than even Meng Yao could touch, though he aggravated it.

Once the truth is known, an animosity of sixteen years will not evaporate. So your words were not founded on a lie. But...

It is not impossible to hate and love somebody at the same time. A brother. Even oneself.

As to Meng Yao... I think what you and I understand as love may be different from what he does. He ... you are not wrong.

But what he wanted then and what he wants now are different things. For more, it will take time.

What does it even matter what he wants? I thought — all this time, I thought he cared about me, thought he genuinely mourned my father’s death, thought he—

[ His voice wobbled dangerously. ]

I asked him if he would have killed me, too, if I had been the one in the way, and he said no and I don’t— I don’t even believe him—

[ Ah. There it was. The tears that had been brimming his eyes started to slip down his face. ]

I don’t — I don’t understand —

What he wants matters, [ Xichen's voice is soft and very, very dry, ] because that determines what he will do. Regardless of what he had you, or me, believing for all this time, it was always that his actions aligned with his goals. Not his words. It matters, because that is why I think he would not kill you, or anyone else of us, now.

If things then had been different...

I do not know.

[ I don't believe him, either, Xichen doesn't say, but doesn't argue with Jin Rulan, either. ]

What he did. What he has been doing for so long. He...

I do not understand, either. And I have been trying to do so for months, now. Since my arrival here.

[ He wraps his arms so tightly around himself that itstarts to hurt, unable to stop the tears that start to flood silently down his cheeks. He hates that he gets like this, hates that Zewu-jun has to see him like this, but he’s...

He’s utterly heartbroken. There’s no other word for it. ]

I’m such a— a— I believed him, I completely believed him, even in Lanling when he— I keep trying to think back through everything he said and - and figure out why I didn’t know, but I—

[ He made a sound, a choked half-sob. ]

I j-just wanted things to be different here, I wanted a family that was - that was okay, that l-loved each other, except no one does, it’s all just - just death and- and anger and- and revenge and—

I just wanted thugs to be okay and now everything is worse than I even knew—

... I have been trying to figure out if I could have known since I arrived here. I understand. But the answers...

They are not kind. But you are allowed to be kind to yourself. Kinder than him.

Ji... young master Jin. May I touch you? Because in this... in this realization. You ar enot alone.

[ He shrinks in on himself, a little bit, never having had the weight of Lan Xichen's full attention on him like this before, let alone asking if he could touch him.

The sudden desperate need for a hug that Wangji just wouldn't or couldn't provide twisted in his chest, and he nodded without looking up. ]

[ Xichen moves carefully, but without hesitation on his own behalf, wrapping the young man in a steady, solid embrace. ]

What he did will never be right. But you are not him, young master Jin. His faults are not yours, even for trusting him.

[ He couldn't help it, slumping into the embrace and burying his face against Lan Xichen's chest. ]

I should have known.

[ Muffled and mumbled into jade-toned fabric. ]

I should have seen it.

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