inheritedpain | IC INBOX: PRISMATICA

[ Sizhui hums, unselfconsciously melodious, listening to Jin Ling's heartbeat. ]

It means two things. One is that taking it off unbinds us from the rules, so we do not have to follow them the same way as before.

And the other one is putting all that we have worked for, all that we are, in the hands of someone else. In the hands of your fated person.

[ One hand rose to aimlessly stroke Sizhui’s hair where he was resting against his chest, glad that the other boy couldn’t see his face, even if he could probably hear the way his heart faltered.

He hadn’t forgotten the time Sizhui mentioned that he’d almost wanted to give it to him.

He was glad, now, that he hadn’t. There was no way he was Sizhui’s fated person. He wasn’t even from the same world. He knew that.

He’d known that from before he even thought about doing this for real. So why did it hurt so badly, then? ]

Oh. [ Super eloquent. Good job. ] Okay.

We don’t really have a similar thing, I guess.

[ Sizhui does hear. And his own breath catches. After a moment, he shifts. ]

A-Ling... there is something Hanguang-jun said which... I want to... tell you, too.

He said that... we were brought here by fate. And that even in different worlds, Senior Wei would be his fated person.

It...

[ He swallows, a giant lump suddenly in his throat, and he buries his face in Jin Ling's clothes. Breathes in, deeply, a few times before finally looking up again. ]

This is probably not the right time, not when things are already complicated. But it. Maybe something to consider. [ Smile. ] About you and me.

[ He doesn’t smile back. His brows furrow a little, pinching at the bridge of his nose, and his hand stills in Sizhui’s hair. Fuck, for some reason that hurts even worse. ]

That’s because Wei Wuxian and Hanguang-Jun are supposed to be together. [ murmured quietly. ] Here and at home. It’s easy for him to say, when no matter what happens, he gets to see Uncle Wei again. Both of them came in pairs. Even when your Senior Wei went home, it wasn’t for long. Fate just dragged them back again.

[ He looked away, his frown setting deeper. ]

It would be pretty cruel of fate it that was supposed to be us. [ He pointed out, his voice low. ] It would be pretty cruel to think that if we had to go home, you’d— you’d be on your own. I don’t like that at all.

[ Slightest head-shake, careful to not dislodge Jin Ling's hand. ]

For thirteen years, he didn't think, or know, that he would ever see him again. There was not even a shred of anything to burn or bury, so I'm sure that he could even think they would meet in the afterworld, or reincarnated. He knows now, but - he knows what it's like to have no shred of hope.

What he meant is... The fated person, the one who makes ... all the difference. The one who is in your heart and - existence after knowing them is different from before. That person may not be someone you can be together with.

[ It just hurts so much more when-- ]

It would be cruel of fate, but ... at least we have met. At least we are together, here and now. At least...

[ Sizhui squeezes his eyes, because they're burning, and rests his cheek back on Jin Ling's chest. ]

I can stop talking now, too. If you'd like.

Sixteen years.

[ The correction is automatic but quiet. Just one example of how their worlds differed. A whole extra three years... what would his life have been like, if he’d been that young when everything happened? What would have changed?

He let out a long breath, shifting to rest his chin on Sizhui’s head. ]

... you don’t have to stop talking. [ Quietly. ]

I just... you don’t even know that you’ll remember me. How am I supposed to make any difference if you won’t even remember it?

You make a difference now.

[ The delay in the answer is not very great. Enough to consider the question, but not enough to be doubting or hesitating in his answer. Because he's not.

Sizhui keeps his upper body still, only raising his legs to tuck them in, close to his body, half between them and half under himself. ]

I've been thinking about it since that conversation. It's. Even among Lans, there are many who never meet their fated ones throughout their lives. Maybe they don't have any. Or maybe the person for some of them is just. Somewhere too far away.

At least I can get to know you now. Even if I won't remember, I can't regret you. I won't.

That’s not fair, [ He said a little roughly. ]

I don’t — [ He cut off and sigh, annoyed, but not with Sizhui. It had been a lot easier when he had just thought of this place as extra. As a chance he had that he wouldn’t get otherwise. Like a long, extended dream.

He didn’t know what to do with the idea that he might dream of love only to wake up, unremembering, to never know it. Though it didn’t feel as bad for him. He’d get married at some point. He would have to. He would have something.

But the idea of Sizhui never having someone—

He swallowed thickly.

He could be jealous, sometimes. Especially about his other self. But he had never wished more earnestly for Sizhui to love someone other than him, before. Because the more Sizhui talked the more Jin Ling wanted to believe it.

Fated person. To be the one person worth everything.

How cruel would he be, to claim that?

He swallowed again, and deflected. ]

Who said anything about regretting me? Of course you won’t. You’d be stupid to regret me.

I just-

Is it that bad that I just - want to think that you’d be happy anyway?

Edited 2020-04-22 20:20 (UTC)

Sorry.

[ So quiet, but it's still there, an automatic reaction to Jin Ling's initial outbursts because he's right. It isn't.

His heart is twisting in every way possible. Because Jin Ling doesn't want it, but not because he doesn't want him. He doesn't want the pain it would cause him. Both of them. And it hurts, and makes him happy, and makes him hurt so much worse for Jin Ling, and.

He moves, shifts so he can hold the other boy, careful not to headbutt him in the chin in the process. He is... something. Older? Not really. Less upset? Barely, if any, but we'll count it. He's the one who can and should offer comfort. Not chip away at the good things Jin Ling is doing. ]

It's not bad. It's... really one of the best things anyone has felt towards me. And yes, I want us both to be happy, too. It...

It was just... thoughts. Either way, any way, I love you, truly ~~madly deeply~~ and you do make me happy, here. My heart does cooomplicated things because of how you are, because of what you do, because of what you say, and even when it clenches up, I don't want to miss a thing.

But I - you did put it best. I do want to think that you will be happy, anyway. And to make as much of that happen as I can.

[ He leans into the embrace, slumping a little against the other boy.

No one warned him that it hurt this much. It was supposed to be a good thing to love someone, wasn’t it? Not something what kept right on the edges of panic and pain whenever you thought too hard about the situation you were in.

Though Wei Wuxian always seemed like he was basically dying any time he and Hanguang-Jun spoke, but that was different, right? They weren’t really on the same page yet. And they were fated to meet again.

He and Sizhui... ]

I love you too. [ Mumbled, almost heart broken. ]

I— I don’t want to miss anything, either. I don’t - I don’t want to go home. Ever. [ A miserable quiet confession. ] I know I have to, I know that my Sect needs me but I—

It’s not fair. It’s not fair that I got to meet you, or my dad, or Harry or Yuri— not fair that my uncle is so young and so hopeful and happy, not fair that Uncle Wei is completely unburdened by anything later. Is it because everyone is so miserable back home that they get to be happy here? Is that it? Is the rest of my life going to continue that same track?

Am I — [ Ah. Yeah. There were the tears as they started to sting his yes and he buried his face into Sizhui’s shoulder, suddenly overwhelmed with grief. ]

Things here don’t even make any sense but I’ve never been this happy and I never want to leave.

[ Sizhui's arms around him are gentle but very firm as he cradles him close, stroking his head and back gently. ]

It's not fair that it will be taken away. It's not fair that you didn't have a chance to meet some of them like this in the first place.

But A-Ling, your happiness is fair and right. And so is theirs. ... ours. Our happiness. Good things are not less good because they won't last.

We don't know what the future will bring. No matter how much you prepare yourself or think you know, it might happen entirely differently.

You're here now. And I'm here. And we were given this time. With everyone. That is all.

[ He heard that correction, and it just made his heart hurt worse, knowing that Sizhui never really put himself first, and here he was, complaining about how unfair it was that anything happen that made him sad. He screwed his eyes up tight, forcing out a breath.

Pull yourself the fuck together, Jin Ling.

He pulled back, not quite able to meet Sizhui’s eyes, his own shining, but there was a grim determination set upon his face. ]

Yeah. You’re right. We’re both here.

[ He pressed his forehead to the other boy’s. ]

Even if- even if I’m not the one you’re - even if that doesn’t belong to me— I don’t care. They can fight me for it, if they want.

[ Sizhui can't help a tiny gasp when the words sink in. Then he stills, before disentangling one arm so he can reach back and pull the ribbon off. It seems almost unreal. It seems almost as if he's watching himself doing it.

It feels right, and as though his heart will burst.

Not taking his eyes away from Jin Ling's, though at this close they're almost crossed for that, he starts winding the white strip around Jin Ling's wrist. It's loose, at first, one end left long, but then the pressure of it can be felt.

His lips tremble once, before he says, very softly. ]

Mine.

[ He couldn’t help but let his eyes drop to look at his wrist, his chest clenching, before looking back up to see Sizhui’s face without the familiar band drawn across it. He’d seen it like this once before and even the weird vague memory of it made a heat pool in his gut.

That was secondary only to how his heart felt like it might break right out of his chest.

He took the loose end in his palm, gripping it tightly, before raising his other hand and brushing his fingers back over Sizhui’s ear, the little gold beads tinkling quietly.

His voice was far firmer than Sizhui’s when he whispered: ]

Mine.

[ Jin Ling's word runs through Sizhui like a shudder, even besides the way the touch on his ear makes him shiver just a bit, his eyes widening a fraction before he smiles, just a little. ]

Yes, A-Ling. Yours. Come what may.

[ Maybe he should feel guilty for those words - for how close they were to a vow he knew he could not keep - but he wanted to hear them so badly he couldn't help himself. His fingers threaded deeper into Sizhui's hair, cupping the back of his head before he pulled him closer, lips taking a purposeful, intent kiss.

He had not come here for this - had come to the relative peace of Sizhui's rooms for comfort more than anything else - but he was having a hard time not wanting to prove his words with more than simply his voice, right now.

Come what may, Sizhui said, as if they didn't know exactly what could and would come to pass. As if they didn't know the inevitable.

The idea that Sizhui might love him through that, past that, in another world even--

He wanted it so much it hurt.

He pulled back just enough to search Sizhui's face, just enough to reaffirm that he had permission, and then he leaned in again, taking another, firmer kiss, his lips parting to invite Sizhui to deepen it even as he pulled him backward to lie with him on the bed. ]

IC INBOX: PRISMATICA

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