inheritedpain | IC INBOX: PRISMATICA

[ His grip relaxes as soon as the moonlacing starts to diminish - a tell-tale sign that he’s holding on too hard.

His chest actually hurt, he didn’t expect this to be so difficult. Like he was betraying both of them at once.

Count. That’s what Hanguang-jun had said. Count until your breaths are your own and not someone else’s. He’s pretty sure that Wangji didn’t mean while giving heart-felt confessions to his son, but you know what, that’s not important right now.

He goes quiet and he counts.

Fuck, he is bad at counting when he’s drunk.

But it sort of does the trick. By the time he’s given up on counting, he’s not as panicked as he was a few seconds before. He can do this. Just - just be honest, Jin Ling. ]

He’s not— he’s not just my friend.

[ His throat felt tight and he felt a little ill but he pushed through it. ]

He’s not just my friend. And you don’t - you can’t possibly like him as much as I do.

Well, he looks like me like a twin brother. How can I not dislike myself? He is very helpful and kind when I arrived here.

[A pause, a beat. Sizhui is starting to get it and he halted what he's originally wanted to say.]

Oh, you like him that way. I...oh okay...not friend...

[Sudden silence. This is starting to get awkward. He sat there, not knowing what to do, ball of anxiety begin to tighten in his chest. What is he getting himself into? He swallows thickly. He needs Wangji's cool exterior so he's summoning all of that to surpress his cordis tendencies which is slamming against him like a ton of bricks, and he's resisting.

He can't pull his hand away. He's in a bit of a stupor. Until he decides the other lets go. Looking at him nervously, suppressing his cordis feelings down and set it selfish wants aside]

You know, Jin Ling, did you drink all of your tea? Did it help? You should take a rest. You know, whatever I said, it's the moon talking. Lunacy I think! And should you decide to train, we can train together and figure out a day!

[ His heart sinks like a lead weight into his stomach as he watched Sizhui process. Cool, great, he feels like a monster and a horrible friend.

His grip loosens a little, but he doesn’t retract his hand. Not unless Sizhui pulls away first. It’s selfish, probably, wanting to keep holding on, but he can’t help it.

At least this misery is making him sober up even more quickly than the tea.

He winces when Sizhui tries to immediately change the subject. ]

A-Yuan—

[ Fuck. Fuck, not as sober as he thought. Whatever. Pretend you meant to do that on purpose, Jin Ling, barrel through it. ]

I— it’s not— if you want to go, I’m not going to stop you, but I—

[ His words were failing him utterly. Damn it. Damn it, he was an idiot. ]

I just thought you should - I thought you should know—-

[Sizhui was fairly innocent. He was used to being a bubbly, energetic child in Gusu, warm-hearted, wise, and kind to everyone. Which is a contradiction, because he raised by Wangji and uncle and the seniors of Lan, so he guards his emotions and his thoughts and to never dropped his guard.

Whatever guards he puts up, both natures started to crumble - which is why he's in a stupor. Did Jin Ling like his other self that way? What does he himself want? Probably it's the cordis moon talking. And anyway, he probably shouldn't feel this way, thinking his life shall remain the same.]

It's all right. You...drank too much. For me, it's the moon talking. Now that I know, it's all right you feel that way. [He needs to clarify, because he sends a mixed message.] You can....you're still my friend and I'm looking forward to train with you everyday. Nothing has change in our routine. You're my friend and like my brother. I see my other version of myself like that too.

[He gently pull his hand away and acts like he's been seer by a flame...and he's causing him pain with his own lack of self-awareness.]

It's getting late. So it's for the best that I should be going and you get rest.

[It's the polite way to excuse himself, to get space, to cool his feelings, to collect himself or rush home and smack himself in the head to don't remember what he said.]

[ Jin Ling, on the other hand, has never had a barrier between his emotions and his face, and even though Hanguang-jun was valiantly trying to teach him to, it really hadn’t taken. So the parade of shame and guilt and worry and hurt is all too clear on his face.

Sizhui pulls his hand back like he’s been burned and Jin Ling tries to pretend that doesn’t hurt. He tries. But fuck, it does.

He balls his hands up into fists in his lap, the dismissal kind but absolute and he trains his eyes down to the ground, trying to stop the reaction from welling up inside of him.

He shouldn’t have said anything. He shouldn’t have said a damn thing, he’s gone and ruined everything and it’s all his fault and he didn’t even get the chance to say that it’s okay, that it doesn’t mean they can’t—

Forget it. Forget it, Jin Ling, and let him go.

His fists tighten into his robes at the knees. ]

Right. Yeah. Moon. Okay.

[ It’s so petty to feel hurt and yet he can’t help it. ]

[… … …oh. He has hurt him. He doesn't meant to raise his false hopes up. He has tried to give him his rationale. Friends. Brother. So nothing is lost or gained.

But on deeper feelings, Sizhui isn't certain how he feels about him. Is there a difference between him and the version of himself? He's also a future sect leader, so he can't like him that way. This never happen before.

He has to get away from this mess he created. Maybe it is the moon messing with his mind. He doesn't know.]

It's the moon. [Hopefully, he'll accept that as an answer. Slowly he rose and makes an apologetic bow. It wasn't any of Jin Ling's fault. The fault is all on him. For not understanding where he stands with him.]

[This is a plea.] Jin Ling, please don't think too much about me or be hard on yourself. [Forcing a smile. This is all his fault. Better to walk away to lessen the burden and isolate himself in the Lan's household for comfort.]

I'll see you later and tomorrow, Jin Ling. And feel better.

[He'll stand by and lingers for a bit, before he quietly dismissed himself, and heading out the door. Meanwhile, the door inside of his heart gets shut.]

[ He doesn’t say anything. He doesn’t have Sizhui’s kindness, he never has, and he doesn’t trust himself to keep from saying something even more stupid than he already did.

He regrets it, as soon as Sizhui is gone. Regrets not stopping him, not explaining, not just- not just grabbing him and kissing him so maybe he would get it—-

But he promised he wouldn’t. He promised Hanguang-jun he wouldn’t take something that wasn’t freely given, so he couldn’t force Sizhui to stay. He couldn’t even beg him to listen. He just sits and waits until he hears the outer door close, and then he rises, walks across the room -

And abruptly puts his fist through the wall, the outburst delayed but still deployed.

Fuck everything. ]

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