inheritedpain | IC INBOX: PRISMATICA

[ Considering this place, Sizhui doesn't and wouldn't hold it against Jin Ling that he questioned it. But at the reaction, Sizhui just breaks into a proper smile. ]

Isn't it? In this place, one really doesn't know what to expect. But this is one of the nicer things. Hot chocolate. I'll show you how to make it from packets they sell easily available, later.

[ He lets them both enjoy the chocolate for a bit, before he takes a deep breath, looking up at the sky. ]

I... think you have probably guessed that though Hanguang-Jun raised me, he's not... actually the man who sired me. He... when he took me in, I was ill, and didn't remember anything from before that until right before I came to this world. It...

Well, before I was Lan Yuan, I was Wen Yuan. I don't think many will take kindly to realizing there is a survivor of the clan still around.

[ He speaks slowly, quietly. He's not exactly beamingly proud of his proper clan, though he knows his immediate branch was... different. And he also knows that Jin Ling is already having a hard night.

But to be asked directly and evade it, that would be... not that great. ]

I was one of the Wens that the Yiling Patriarch took in at the Burial mound. When they came after what was left of the Yiling Patriarch, somebody hid me inside a hollow tree, and I'm only alive because Hanguang-Jun found me there.

So what he does... I sometimes will not question it, because I would not exist without him. But also... there are things that people have said about him, and about others which I know are not true, because I remember.

It's different questions.

I'm sorry.

[ Jin Ling gets very still and quiet - uncharacteristicly - and stares into his half finished cup rather than look at Sizhui. He should be mad. He should be really mad, he thinks. But maybe because of that conversation with Hanguang-Jun, he finds he just feels empty instead. His heart has already been twisted through every feeling it could feel, today. He’s so tired.

Wen.

Of course Sizhui is a Wen.

Why couldn’t his life be simple, for once? It threw all his feelings that he’d been battling with into a sharp, jagged contrast: the kiss, Wen Ning, the ghost general, Wen Qing—

She had admonished him, for not looking at people beyond their family name, and here he was, wishing desperately that Sizhui was kidding, because he didn’t want to attach all the feelings that came with that family to the other boy. He couldn’t.

When the tear rolled down his cheek it actually surprised him - he was so sure he had none left. He quickly scrubbed it away. ]

And he just never told you?

[ Rough. Low. The only question he currently trusted himself with. ]

[ ... he's sorry. He's so sorry. Not because his entire family is gone - he sincerely doubts anyone would give him sympathy for that, other than Wen Ning or Wen Qing - but because he's hurting Jin Ling, and he never wanted to hurt him. His legs fold until his knees are under his chin, but he doesn't try to reach for the comfort of hugging them to his chest. ]

I didn't remember at all. I... don't know if I'd have survived, if he'd told me and I'd blurted it out, anyway.

[ He presses his lips closed against the remainder of that thought. Perhaps that would have been easier for people.

It wouldn't have been easier for Hanguang-jun. It wouldn't have been easier for Zewu-jun, either, he knows.

And... not for Senior Wei. ]

So yeah. I was looking for answers, too.

[ He said nothing for a long minute and then angrily scrubbed at his eyes again. ]

They should have told you. At least once you were old enough to understand.

I’m sick— I’m sick of how everyone keeps lying, or- or withholding the truth. As if that ever makes anything better! I’m sick of being told that I have to, to protect the happiness of someone who never protected mine!

[ His fingers clenched sharply. ]

But you’re not a Wen. You didn’t burn lotus pier, you didn’t fight in the sun shot campaign, and you didn’t kill my parents. Whatever their name means, it doesn’t mean you.

You- I- it doesn’t matter! You’re still Lan Sizhui!

[ There is silence for long, long moments yet. Then Sizhui makes a small sound that's. Not quite a sob, but very odd anyway, sets his cup down, and shifts to throw his arms around Jin Ling. Loosely, in case the hug is not welcome, but ... yes, that is definitely a hug, awkward and a little shaky. ]

Yes. [ Barely more than a breath. ] I am Lan Sizhui. I choose to be Lan Sizhui. Not in the least because this way I can stand by your side. Thank you for seeing that I am that, too.

[ ... Yeah, Sizhui doesn't get embarrassed easily. And, for once, he does need the physical contact. To reassure him that Jin Ling's choice is not just his dream, but, in fact, reality. ]

[ He wasn't expecting it, and he froze up, accidentally spilling a little of the hot chocolate onto his lap, but at least it wasn't scalding anymore. His face was warm again - maybe it was just perpetually warm in this forsaken place - and he carefully put his mug down before raising his hands to rest on Sizhui's arms, letting the boy hold him and... sort of returning it. He didn't really know how to do more than that. Not without embarrassing them both. ]

Don't be stupid. [ A little shaky, trying and failing to pretend he wasn't effected by the display of emotion. ]

Of course I see that. I've known you this long, haven't I? We've been through everything together. If I couldn't see that I would have to be blind!

Who other than a Lan would look at Hanguang-jun the way you and Jingyi do?

[ He faltered, swallowing, unable to quite ignore the stand by your side part, despite how it made his insides twist in a way he couldn't tell if it felt good or terrible. ]

... Who do we have if we haven't got each other? [ The question came out a little rougher, a little more honest, than he meant it to. ] Of course I'm standing with you, Sizhui, don't be stupid. If anyone gives you grief about where you come from, you just come to me and we'll make sure they remember their manners.

I'm sorry. [ Whispered, for the spilled drink, but he doesn't move away, not quite yet. He'll bring him down for something clean to wear until a cycle of laundry runs in a bit. He's just.

For once where Jin Ling can see it, it's Sizhui who is overwhelmed by emotions.

After a moment, he makes a sound that's halfway between a laugh and a sob, and nods, still against Jin Ling. ]

I'll remember. And you know - you know I'm here, too, right? It's... it's how I want it to be. [ He takes a few breaths to try to calm himself, but they are shaking. ]

The branch of the family that I came from. They were healers. They - didn't attack anyone. Well, it got complicated because of, of Mr. Wen, but...

I don't want to hurt anyone. I won't.

You're not going to hurt anyone. [ Automatic, almost defensive - as if someone else had claimed Sizhui could possibly be a danger to anyone, and not Sizhui himself.

He raised his hand to roughly put it over Sizhui's as it was wrapped around him, threading his fingers between the other boy's. ]

You are here. This is you.

You're not going to hurt anyone! And even if something happened, I'll be right here to pull you back, okay? I'm not going to let you be someone you never wanted to be.

This is me.

[ He breathes out, and melts a little into the arm holding him. ]

It's good to be me with you, Jin Ling. It's good to be me with people I care about.

[ He felt his face get even hotter, the arm around Sizhui tensing a little tighter, protectively.

He's never going to quite get used to Sizhui just bare-face saying he cares about him. How can he just say things like that??

But on the other hand... He kind of wishes he'd say it more. So he's not going to complain.

Also the fact that Sizhui thought that being around Jin Ling was good for him - when he'd spent so much of his life convinced he was a bother at best and an active detriment at worst - it makes his chest twist in unpredictable ways.

So, suddenly, and stubbornly: ]

Well I do. Care about you.

IC INBOX: PRISMATICA

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