inheritedpain | IC INBOX: PRISMATICA

I'm not coming back!!

What did he do to you?
why were you

I'm coming to you.
Where are you?

why should i tell you

[ But, a few seconds later, his location is turned on. He's in a park near the elder Hanguang-jun's house. ]

[ There are no further texts, Jiang Cheng hastening to Jin Ling's location, checking it every few minutes to make sure the fool boy hasn't changed his mind and decided to run away again. When Jin Ling's silhouette comes into sight, Jiang Cheng hops off his sword, sheathes it, and jogs the rest of the way to his nephew's side. ]

...A-Ling.

[ Grimacing, he falls silent, visibly struggling with what to even say. ]

[ Jin Ling is there, gripping identical swords, Fairy obediently at his feet. He tenses when he sees Jiang Cheng approach, bracing to get yelled at.

So he just glares sullenly at his Uncle. ]

I’m not giving it back. I don’t care what he told you.

...he didn't tell me anything.

[ Sighing out these words, Jiang Cheng raises a hand to pinch the bridge of his nose, feeling like nothing so much as a man walking into his own funeral. There's no coming back from this, and he doesn't even have any kind of excuse except that it was a moment of weakness. He'd been drunk. He'd been so happy to see Jin Zixuan, was reminded of the better days at the start of the war, before it all turned so sour.

It's not an excuse, it's not even any kind of real explanation. He'd been selfish, wanted to be a younger man, wanted to shirk all the expectation and responsibility that had been thrust upon him with the massacre of his entire sect. Just for a moment. Just for a moment he'd wanted his youth back, wanted to laugh, wanted to want and have and be seen.

But how can he make Jin Ling understands when he barely understands himself? He understands the broad strokes of it, remembers how he felt in those moments, how Jin Zixuan made him feel. How desperate he's been to escape the shadow of the war, of all the loss and death. He longed for connection, for something, anything to make up for all that had been carved from his life.

How could he explain that the way Jin Zixuan looked at him let him forget that all that he loved was gone?

And yet when he goes over what he did in his own mind, he too thinks of his sister, of Jin Ling, his sister's child. He sees his betrayal plainly, knows nothing will be the same after he speaks his next words.

But then, it's all already changed. Jin Ling just doesn't know it yet.

This is the moment he sits on the boat while Lotus Pier burns. This is when he stands on the mountain, Wei Wuxian gone in the wind. ]

He didn't have to. I know him, Jin Ling. We've known each other most our lives.

It was Jin Zixuan you saw me with.

[ Jin Ling stares at him for several seconds, unable to process what he’s hearing. The blood drains from his face, his hands gripping either sword far too tightly. ]

Don’t- - don’t be stupid, that’s not funny.

[ His voice is quiet at first, but then it gets louder. ]

That’s not funny!! Why would you expect me to believe that? Why would you expect me to believe that you’d - with my father? Before you even told me he was here!!

Why would you do that!!

[ Jiang Cheng lets his nephew's rage wash over him, lets the boy vent his disbelief. Sometimes⁠, just sometimes—Jiang Cheng has already found this to be true in their brief acquaintance⁠—facing down Jin Ling is so much like looking into a mirror that it's painful. Anger and denial, derision and blame. What is a son but the father's shortcomings laid bare?

He waits for a lull, for a break in the tide of Jin Ling's fury. ]

...I was wrong. I didn't⁠— I wasn't thinking. I'm sorry.

[ Swallowing against the tightness in his throat, he reaches out his hand in offering, knowing he'll be rebuffed but unable to stop from trying all the same. He draws in a breath, turning his mind away from thinking of all the hands held out to him in the past he was too proud to take. ]

It's still the war for us, A-Ling. People are dead, they're missing, we⁠— We've been through a great deal together. It's still fresh on our minds. And I just⁠— It just⁠—...

[ He wants to explain, but there really is no explanation for this. Not to Jin Ling. And Jiang Cheng can't spoil Jin Ling's relationship with a father he never got to know. He can't. He won't. He might be a coward, but he won't let himself take the coward's way out here.

Hands clenching into fists at his sides, he grits his teeth and hangs his head. ]

...It's my fault. He didn't know, but I did. I knew. About you, about... About A-Jie. About everything. I asked him home anyway. That's on me. Don't blame your father for that.

[ Jin Ling heaves out a breath with something like heart break, his eyes stinging but no tears appear. ]

You should have told me. You should have told me he was here.

[ But then... Jiang Cheng barely knew him. How would he know how important it would be to Jin Ling? How devastating?

He sucked in a breath and then glared off to the side. ]

... I don’t understand you.

[ It was, possibly, the worst thing he could level at his uncle. No understanding.

No recognition. ]

It all happened at once.

[ It's not an excuse, he knows that. Just an explanation. A recounting of events he has no real way to defend. ]

...I just turned twenty, did you know? Back home, it's chaos. War. Wei Wuxian's⁠— Wei Wuxian was missing. I've only been sect leader for a couple months. I go weeks without seeing A-Jie, knowing she's out there running herself ragged, trying to give everything she has to the injured, the dying.

I'm not... trying to excuse it, I just⁠—

[ Jiang Cheng sucks in a breath, tight, strained, trying to bite back his traitorous tears. ]

...I know you don't understand me. I think about... about your uncle, about the guy you're always talking about, someone who raised you and. Lived all those years, without anyone he grew up with at his side and. I don't... understand him either.

I'm not him, A-Ling. I don't know if I can be him. I don't know if I should try. But I still... I want to be your family. I'm... trying to get this right.

I'm not used to these responsibilities yet. Any of them.

[ He swallows hard, shuts his eyes. ]

...for a minute, I just wanted to be myself again. I wanted... to chase what made me happy. I wanted to be enough. Just for a minute, I wanted to be enough for someone as I was.

I didn't do it to hurt you.

I did it to stop hurting me.

[ Jin Ling looked away, glaring off at some undetermined point, his lips thinned and his eyes narrowed. It wasn't that the appeal didn't have an effect on him. Of course it did. But it hurt in ways he wasn't expecting.

Having to grieve an uncle - a father, in all senses of the word save the literal - all over again. Having to admit to himself that his Uncle wasn't actually here, that this wasn't him.

That this man didn't even understand him. ]

Who the hell would say you weren't enough.

[ Is what comes out in the end. ]

You really don't -- You just really don't get it, do you? I'm not a child. I'm not looking for you to- we've already done all that. Even if you wanted to, you wouldn't get to raise me again. [ And he's pretty sure Jiang Cheng doesn't actually want to. ]

All I want is a chance to be by your side. I don't care how you figure it out. And I don't care if I understand you or not. I mean sleeping with my father I feel like is a little much no matter how you parse it, but I--

If that's seriously what this is about - if this is seriously because you're -- you're lonely, or you're sad, or whatever -- I mean we all feel that way here, don't we?

We're all out of step with each other. You don't think I feel lonely as hell? You don't think I'm tired of being a disappointment or worse?

I just want you to talk to me. I don't want to have to find this- this shit out later. If you don't know how to handle your responsibilities, maybe you should talk to me about what those actually are.

Edited 2020-03-08 23:00 (UTC)

...okay, what are they?

[ Jiang Cheng's voice is soft, a little uncertain and hesitant but earnest all the same. He lets the rest of his anxieties and apprehensions fall away, choosing instead to focus on how to fix this, to make it better, to do right by his nephew after all his struggling and floundering and actively making things worse. ]

What can I do, A-Ling?

[ Stepping closer, he reaches out, wanting to hold Jin Ling by the shoulders but not quite daring to touch. ]

Maybe just tell me what’s going on, so I know what to expect and what I’m supposed to be doing.

[ he waits for the touch but it never comes, and he draws in, tenser ]

Tell me if you’re upset so that I can help, and listen when I’m upset. Help me figure out what I’m even- what I’m even supposed to be doing here and help me navigate this stupid planet and - and - I don’t know, just be here!

[ Jin Ling draws nearer, and Jiang Cheng does finally reach out, still afraid to be rebuffed but wanting to make peace with his nephew enough to chance it. ]

I'm listening now. I'm here.

[ Swallowing hard, he pulls Jin Ling in closer, pulls his nephew against him because it's what Jin Ling asked of him. To help him navigate this strange and inexplicable world. And in this place, all things seem to start right here, in closeness they would not partake in were they back home. ]

I don't know up from down lately myself, but we⁠— We'll figure it out. Please don't be angry with me. You're the last person I want to hurt, A-Ling.

[ It was impossible to resist and he buried his face in Jiang Cheng’s chest before wrapping his arms tightly around him. Given an inch and taking a mile. ]

Then talk to me next time. [ mumbled into his uncle’s robes. ]

I don’t... I don’t understand what’s going on half the time but I — maybe it would be easier if you told me what you thought too.

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