inheritedpain | IC INBOX: PRISMATICA

[Sizhui shows up in front of his house. He was carrying a thermal canteen tin filled with chilled hangover relief tea. The cordis moon is out, bright and full hung in the sky. Not the same moon back home, but it was luminous with its light]

Jin Ling, I'm here

[He feels a little shy, perhaps a little warm beneath his robes from the spring weather. When Jin Ling comes out to see him, he'll see his friend's transformation as the result of the moon. It's a pair of puff-white arctic fox ears sporting on the top of his head and a puff of a fox's white tail hidden beneath his roles.]

[ Jin Ling isn’t long - though Fairy comes rushing out first to sniff and greet their friend, Jin Ling follows soon after. He notes the ears and his already reddened face flushes a little darker.

Cute. That was cute and he hated it.

At least he was a little more sober than when they’d first started talking. Maybe. Not really. ]

Sizhui!

[ He’ll walk up, a little unsteady, and almost reach out to touch those ears before he realizes what he’s doing and snaps his hand back.

Come on, come inside. I can’t believe you’re a fox. So much cooler— come on, let’s go crash in my room.

[Hopefully Fairy doesn't find his fox scent smelling too good either.

Sizhui can see him stumbling a bit, gait unsteady. His heart races when it seems like he's reaching out to pet his ears.]

I woke up looking like this! This is normal, right?

[He noticed he doesn't look all right. He needs care first and find his balance and footing, and then maybe he'll tell him it's all right to feel for his ears. He would like him too. The very thought makes him forget his own strict upbringing.]

Right, let's go inside and I can give you your tea.

[After which, he will follow him into the house.]

[ It takes a conscious, if drunken, effort not to reach out and take Sizhui’s hand to lead him inside. It’s second nature, by now, but this isn’t A-Yuan, and he doesn’t have a general understood permission for that sort of thing, regardless of what had been said. He told Sizhui that the boy could hug him any time, but that means Sizhui has to come to him first. He knows the rules. He knows them!!! He won’t forget.

He leads Sizhui to his room, Fairy following at a decent clip, and then closes and locks the door (it takes him three tries to get the lock to take) before flopping himself onto the bed, staring up at the ceiling. ]

Yeah, it’s normal. I got antlers last time. Like a fawn. How come you get to be a fox and I have to be a deer? Uncle Wei is a fox! Even my dad is a fox! It’s not fair!

Okay, are you comfortable? Take a rest, your tea is coming. You shouldn't drink a lot. Not many know their own limits.

[At his invitation, Sizhui calmly steps inside, taking mind he is a guest in his home. It was a new experience to be a fox. His senses are heighten. He's more alert. The ears and tail is a weird feeling, but not unpleasant. If anything, he could get used to it. It's a mysterious experience from the effects of the cordis moon.

Meanwhile, he's in the kitchen pouring the tea into a glass.]

You're a deer? I met, Wen Ning who is a deer too. I have to see that on you! Real antlers.

[He comes over to his bedside and presents him the glass of tea.]

Here, drink this. It helps with the hangover. Might taste a little herbal, but it has lemon in it.

They’re lame!! They aren’t even proper antlers they’re like baby antlers and I hate them.

[ Not to mention that when he was like that it was hard to think about anything other than his body. But he wasn’t going to say that outloud.

He groaned petulantly but then forced himself to sit up and take the tea, taking a sip.

Oh. It was good, actually. He took another sip.

And then his curiosity couldn’t be contained. ]

Do you- do you feel weird when it’s your moon?

[Sizhui will take a seat on the edge of the bed. He just needs to lift his puffy tail and curls it around his hip.]

I don't think it's lame, I promise. It's a part of you. [He thinks deers are cute too!] Back home in Gusu, besides rabbits, I had seen a lot of deer too. I want to see all of these transformations on other people. I'm curious what it feels like for them.

It feels weird at first. I feel foxy. Like I want to bark and go on a hunt and chase after something. And my senses feel sharper, so even the flowers has a stronger scent.

[He waited while he was drinking his tea]

Jin Ling, would you like to pet me?

Even the side effects sound better. [ Muttered to himself, though there is a bit of colour to his cheeks after the comment that it was a part of him.

He’s glad that Sizhui waited until he was finished drinking because otherwise he would have done a spit take and choked.

He glanced over quickly, his face getting warmer. ]

Uh— yes— [ Wait— ] I mean!! I don’t mind! It’s fine, if that’s what you want I can do it.

[With a huff, there's a color to his cheeks too. Was that too straightforward? He pets Wen Ning, and the poor man can't even ask for moonlacing for himself.]

It's going to be fine, I don't mind it. I just think...there's has to be some way for me to replenish my chroma. I eaten all right, but something is missing in me like there's a lack of energy if I overexert myself. I couldn't train properly or cast my spiritual spells because then I'll be meditating for hours after that.

[Shizhui leans over, so his fox ears, which is puffs of white is within reach.]

So I would like you to pet me. To see if it will work...?

You could have just said you needed help with chroma, I already said I would, didn’t I?

[ His face gets a little more red, but he shifted closer and then raised a hand to carefully run his fingers over Sizhui’s ears.

Damn it, they were soft... ]

I’m not gonna let you struggle, okay. So you don’t need to worry so much about it, just tell me when you need some.

[That feels nice. A trickle of chroma begin to flow properly when the touch connected. The ears are soft, just like Fairy'.]

You did. I don't know how to ask. Was that too straightforward for you? I think I shouldn't try to train during cordis moon days. If Jing Yi is around, it would be much easier to train.

[But really, he couldn't ask his father or uncle (and Wei Wuxian once he remembers him). He suppressed his greedy need for some form of attention and is aching for it, for it to be recognized.]

Do you think Hanguang-Jun or your uncle will let us train together?

[ He shifts a little closer until their knees are touching, so he can start petting those ears properly. It’s embarrassing, of course it is, but it’s— it’s nice, too. ]

It’s just - it’s a little hard to know what you want if you just ask me to pet you. If it’s for chroma, you can just say that. Text me or whatever. Hey Jin Ling, I’m low on chroma. That’s all you need to say, I’ll come help.

[ There was a wide difference between Sizhui want chroma and Sizhui wanting... well. Him. ]

Yeah, I train with the other juniors. Hanguang-jun told me to. So I’m sure he’ll let you, too.

[At the moment, this is a lot less struggle. Ever since childhood, his training is spartan at best. Hours of rigorous training, learning how to behave, proper etiquette to seniors, and being build, reshaped, and remold into an ideal Lan member.

Sizhui sat still to bask in the pets and receive the chroma gradually.]

Then we train together. I need a sparring partner to practice my sword.

[He in fact does indeed want him for company, though his idea of his company is hanging out for now, though the cordis trait spark something unknown to him. In fact, he is looking straight at him. Unlike, the other juniors, while he looks polite and stoic like Wangji, almost unreadable, he has a streak of demure but subtle mischief.]

Okay. How is this? Jin Ling, I'm low on chroma and I need your help. Please save me ~.

[ Jin Ling turns bright red and then scoffs, moving his hand from Sizhui’s ears to push his face away instead. J-jeez. He’s too drunk for that. He doesn’t need dreams about that!! ]

Now you’re just teasing me!!

[ He accuses, but then leans over with a harumph until his whole side is resting against Sizhui, and he takes the boy’s hand in his and laces their fingers together, squeezing firmly. ]

I’m just saying!! You’d do the same for me if I was in trouble, so why wouldn’t I help you!!

[...Oh. He was caught. Perhaps, it was the effect of cordis, but he was making an attempt to flirt with him, just a little bit. It was subtle. It was meant to be playful. He can't believe he has that effect on him. Does Jin Ling blush so easily? Letting his Lan-taught steely façade drop for Jin Ling to catch it.

Sizhui turns to look at the side, being a little coy to hide his smile. Jin Ling is fun to tease because he knew that while he has a temper, he was fiery and outgoing with everything he feels.

And he felt drawn to that.]

...Mm. But you just saved me just now, so you're my hero. How gallant you are. Your clan will be proud.

[Putting back that same Lan seriousness, that calm expression returns. Somehow, he was stepping out of his cold shell, bit by bit, demonstrating more of himself. With their fingers interlacing and interlocking, there's a lot more chroma flowing between them now.]

Likewise, I will do the same for you. If you're in trouble, I'll help you and save you. Again and again. I'll be there when you need me.

[There's a gentle squeeze when their hands are locked together, confirming their bond of friendship and trust, and this trust brings them closer. Showing him a steadfast warmth and loyalty. While it may not be what Jin Ling needs, this is where they stand.]

[ The blush doesn’t recede. If anything, it deepens, and Jin Ling’s eyes glance away as a thread of guilt winds its way into his chest.

Usually he has a very slightly better filter between his thoughts and his tongue- very slightly- but right now he has zero filter at all. So even as he’s thinking it he says: ]

I- I know you will. I know that, now. But I— I haven’t been totally honest, there’s something I really need to tell you, and I don’t - I don’t really know how—

[jin ling you're drunk, should you be doing this now

Sizhui noticed his struggle and he is immediately worried, and also felt guilt. What if he said the wrong things? It wasn't him talking, but the cordis moon, right? Yet, he felt it is him. For once, he lets his mask slipped to reveal his warmer side, to show he cares very much for him, and he was desperate to show how he's desperate for affection from anyone he's close with and show that warmth to everyone.

But if he sees him as a son of Wangji and a friend, then that's fine. He'll listen.]

Then tell me. I may not remember everything, but I promise you, everything you say, you'll be all right.

[ he absolutely should not be doing this now but he’s drunk and decision making was never his strong suit anyway

His hand squeezes a little tighter.

It wasn’t his feelings he was worried about. ]

It’s— I’m— okay. You know this place requires chroma, and you know that to get chroma you need to be close to people, right?

Well, you- the other you- we- obviously we started hanging out pretty much as soon as I got here. Since it was you, but not you- or well- pretty much you- you know what I mean!!

[ He’s already getting flustered. ]

My point is that- I’ve been here a little while now, and it’s been- it’s been different. I’ve been different, I guess. And so has - so has he.

[ he’s also drunk enough that this confession might not make any sense ]

[Sizhui listens carefully. He has little to no experience, having lived a rather sheltered life. He should be resting. Maybe he ought to tell him to take a rest and wait, and maybe tell him to think and talk of a better confession for another day when the time is right.

But what is time? He is here now. He may have bottled those hidden feelings for a long time. Long enough that he wanted to tell him as to what happened for the past few months where he wasn't present.

So much tight squeeze that his hand's hurt, but he isn't complaining.]

Right, that's how chroma works here.

I see... and are you okay? I'm glad you have a friend. I wasn't able to be there for you. [To give him the support he needed] It's not your fault. What if I never show up? People can't wait. I have seen the other version of myself and I like him too.

[ His grip relaxes as soon as the moonlacing starts to diminish - a tell-tale sign that he’s holding on too hard.

His chest actually hurt, he didn’t expect this to be so difficult. Like he was betraying both of them at once.

Count. That’s what Hanguang-jun had said. Count until your breaths are your own and not someone else’s. He’s pretty sure that Wangji didn’t mean while giving heart-felt confessions to his son, but you know what, that’s not important right now.

He goes quiet and he counts.

Fuck, he is bad at counting when he’s drunk.

But it sort of does the trick. By the time he’s given up on counting, he’s not as panicked as he was a few seconds before. He can do this. Just - just be honest, Jin Ling. ]

He’s not— he’s not just my friend.

[ His throat felt tight and he felt a little ill but he pushed through it. ]

He’s not just my friend. And you don’t - you can’t possibly like him as much as I do.

Well, he looks like me like a twin brother. How can I not dislike myself? He is very helpful and kind when I arrived here.

[A pause, a beat. Sizhui is starting to get it and he halted what he's originally wanted to say.]

Oh, you like him that way. I...oh okay...not friend...

[Sudden silence. This is starting to get awkward. He sat there, not knowing what to do, ball of anxiety begin to tighten in his chest. What is he getting himself into? He swallows thickly. He needs Wangji's cool exterior so he's summoning all of that to surpress his cordis tendencies which is slamming against him like a ton of bricks, and he's resisting.

He can't pull his hand away. He's in a bit of a stupor. Until he decides the other lets go. Looking at him nervously, suppressing his cordis feelings down and set it selfish wants aside]

You know, Jin Ling, did you drink all of your tea? Did it help? You should take a rest. You know, whatever I said, it's the moon talking. Lunacy I think! And should you decide to train, we can train together and figure out a day!

[ His heart sinks like a lead weight into his stomach as he watched Sizhui process. Cool, great, he feels like a monster and a horrible friend.

His grip loosens a little, but he doesn’t retract his hand. Not unless Sizhui pulls away first. It’s selfish, probably, wanting to keep holding on, but he can’t help it.

At least this misery is making him sober up even more quickly than the tea.

He winces when Sizhui tries to immediately change the subject. ]

A-Yuan—

[ Fuck. Fuck, not as sober as he thought. Whatever. Pretend you meant to do that on purpose, Jin Ling, barrel through it. ]

I— it’s not— if you want to go, I’m not going to stop you, but I—

[ His words were failing him utterly. Damn it. Damn it, he was an idiot. ]

I just thought you should - I thought you should know—-

[Sizhui was fairly innocent. He was used to being a bubbly, energetic child in Gusu, warm-hearted, wise, and kind to everyone. Which is a contradiction, because he raised by Wangji and uncle and the seniors of Lan, so he guards his emotions and his thoughts and to never dropped his guard.

Whatever guards he puts up, both natures started to crumble - which is why he's in a stupor. Did Jin Ling like his other self that way? What does he himself want? Probably it's the cordis moon talking. And anyway, he probably shouldn't feel this way, thinking his life shall remain the same.]

It's all right. You...drank too much. For me, it's the moon talking. Now that I know, it's all right you feel that way. [He needs to clarify, because he sends a mixed message.] You can....you're still my friend and I'm looking forward to train with you everyday. Nothing has change in our routine. You're my friend and like my brother. I see my other version of myself like that too.

[He gently pull his hand away and acts like he's been seer by a flame...and he's causing him pain with his own lack of self-awareness.]

It's getting late. So it's for the best that I should be going and you get rest.

[It's the polite way to excuse himself, to get space, to cool his feelings, to collect himself or rush home and smack himself in the head to don't remember what he said.]

[ Jin Ling, on the other hand, has never had a barrier between his emotions and his face, and even though Hanguang-jun was valiantly trying to teach him to, it really hadn’t taken. So the parade of shame and guilt and worry and hurt is all too clear on his face.

Sizhui pulls his hand back like he’s been burned and Jin Ling tries to pretend that doesn’t hurt. He tries. But fuck, it does.

He balls his hands up into fists in his lap, the dismissal kind but absolute and he trains his eyes down to the ground, trying to stop the reaction from welling up inside of him.

He shouldn’t have said anything. He shouldn’t have said a damn thing, he’s gone and ruined everything and it’s all his fault and he didn’t even get the chance to say that it’s okay, that it doesn’t mean they can’t—

Forget it. Forget it, Jin Ling, and let him go.

His fists tighten into his robes at the knees. ]

Right. Yeah. Moon. Okay.

[ It’s so petty to feel hurt and yet he can’t help it. ]

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lanofsizhui - 2020-04-14 22:41 (UTC) - Expand

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inheritedpain - 2020-04-14 22:49 (UTC) - Expand

IC INBOX: PRISMATICA

During cordis moon!

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