inheritedpain | IC INBOX: PRISMATICA

... If you're here I'm guessing not the one who I live with. [ Sizhui nods even as he settles next to Jin Ling on the roof, his free hand reaching across Jin Ling's back in a loose hug. Not that Jin Ling needs comfort. It's for Sizhui's sake, definitely. ]

He... You don't know him until later, when he had calmed down some. But he mourned senior Wei very deeply. I'm sorry for however he upset you.

[ Remember Dafan mountain and Sizhui speaking for Hanguang-jun, Jin Ling? Yeah. It's a habit. ]

[ He doesn’t pull from the touch, but he doesn’t lean into it, either. He just stares down into the cup, frowning into its depths. ]

He said I’d just gotten my first horse. I can’t have been more than five or six.

[ Even then, he’d known something was wrong with him. Even then, people spoke to him with pity, or to each other in whispers. The shadow of Wei Wuxian had never fallen far from his childhood.

He was used to Sizhui talking for Hanguang-Jun. He expected it, even. ]

... How could he upset me? [ A little crisply. As if it wasn’t obvious how upset he was. ] I wanted answers. He can’t give them, because he wasn’t there.

I know there’s his double, but... you all - it’s like you all fit from somewhere else. Things I don’t know yet or maybe things that didn’t happen to me because we come from mirrors of each other. I don’t know. Neither of them are the man I saw that night. And that’s the only man who could answer me, who wasn’t Wei Wuxian himself.

... maybe. [ Sizhui considers that for a long moment. ] Probably, even if it may have gone similarly for us.

It depends on what answers you're looking for.

[ Another long pause. Then. ]

But I'm glad that you're looking for answers, even if they might not be possible to find. I think a lot of bad things happened because a lot of people didn't think to question what 'people said' - and specifically what a couple of people kept saying, or insinuating. Not thinking to look for the facts until so much pain had been dealt that people wanted a monster and they got one.

And then everyone was hurt, and it wasn't fair. So much was lost. Irrecoverable.

So looking for answers...

That's a good thing.

[ He doesn’t know what to say to that - to the uncomfortable truth of Sizhui musing aloud things he’s been wondering.

He just flares down into his mug as if it might offer solace. ]

... Did you look for any?

I just ... I guess I assumed that whatever Hanguang-Jun did, you’d be fine with it. What could you need to know?

Did I...

[ Sizhui blinks. Then, for the first time tonight, he smiles, though it is small and almost sad. ]

I think my questions were different, but I did seek out answers. And I did find them, though they have made my life complicated, too. Or will, at home, at the very least. It...

I'll tell you when you get curious about it, all right? Now drink that. It's cold enough that it won't be hot chocolate much longer.

[ And Sizhui tips his own mug up, his enjoyment of the rich flavor not hidden at all. ]

Your life is great, what could make it more complicated?

[ Muttered a little, that thread of envy impossible to deny. ]

What do you mean, when I get curious? I’m curious now! Why wouldn’t I want to know? If it’s something important to you, Sizhui, of course I want to know.

[ He glanced over at Sizhui taking a drink, but got a little distracted by the way his lips touched the brim of the mug and quickly looked away again. Right. Drink it yourself, Jin Ling.

He took a careful sniff of the liquid, and then a careful sip - eyes widening at the taste. He took a deeper gulp despite the fact it was still a little hot, and then pulled the mug away to look at it with surprise. ]

This is really good!

[... apparently he’d had doubts going in. Sorry Sizhui. But there’s also a trace of foam running along his upper lip, now. ]

[ Considering this place, Sizhui doesn't and wouldn't hold it against Jin Ling that he questioned it. But at the reaction, Sizhui just breaks into a proper smile. ]

Isn't it? In this place, one really doesn't know what to expect. But this is one of the nicer things. Hot chocolate. I'll show you how to make it from packets they sell easily available, later.

[ He lets them both enjoy the chocolate for a bit, before he takes a deep breath, looking up at the sky. ]

I... think you have probably guessed that though Hanguang-Jun raised me, he's not... actually the man who sired me. He... when he took me in, I was ill, and didn't remember anything from before that until right before I came to this world. It...

Well, before I was Lan Yuan, I was Wen Yuan. I don't think many will take kindly to realizing there is a survivor of the clan still around.

[ He speaks slowly, quietly. He's not exactly beamingly proud of his proper clan, though he knows his immediate branch was... different. And he also knows that Jin Ling is already having a hard night.

But to be asked directly and evade it, that would be... not that great. ]

I was one of the Wens that the Yiling Patriarch took in at the Burial mound. When they came after what was left of the Yiling Patriarch, somebody hid me inside a hollow tree, and I'm only alive because Hanguang-Jun found me there.

So what he does... I sometimes will not question it, because I would not exist without him. But also... there are things that people have said about him, and about others which I know are not true, because I remember.

It's different questions.

I'm sorry.

[ Jin Ling gets very still and quiet - uncharacteristicly - and stares into his half finished cup rather than look at Sizhui. He should be mad. He should be really mad, he thinks. But maybe because of that conversation with Hanguang-Jun, he finds he just feels empty instead. His heart has already been twisted through every feeling it could feel, today. He’s so tired.

Wen.

Of course Sizhui is a Wen.

Why couldn’t his life be simple, for once? It threw all his feelings that he’d been battling with into a sharp, jagged contrast: the kiss, Wen Ning, the ghost general, Wen Qing—

She had admonished him, for not looking at people beyond their family name, and here he was, wishing desperately that Sizhui was kidding, because he didn’t want to attach all the feelings that came with that family to the other boy. He couldn’t.

When the tear rolled down his cheek it actually surprised him - he was so sure he had none left. He quickly scrubbed it away. ]

And he just never told you?

[ Rough. Low. The only question he currently trusted himself with. ]

[ ... he's sorry. He's so sorry. Not because his entire family is gone - he sincerely doubts anyone would give him sympathy for that, other than Wen Ning or Wen Qing - but because he's hurting Jin Ling, and he never wanted to hurt him. His legs fold until his knees are under his chin, but he doesn't try to reach for the comfort of hugging them to his chest. ]

I didn't remember at all. I... don't know if I'd have survived, if he'd told me and I'd blurted it out, anyway.

[ He presses his lips closed against the remainder of that thought. Perhaps that would have been easier for people.

It wouldn't have been easier for Hanguang-jun. It wouldn't have been easier for Zewu-jun, either, he knows.

And... not for Senior Wei. ]

So yeah. I was looking for answers, too.

[ He said nothing for a long minute and then angrily scrubbed at his eyes again. ]

They should have told you. At least once you were old enough to understand.

I’m sick— I’m sick of how everyone keeps lying, or- or withholding the truth. As if that ever makes anything better! I’m sick of being told that I have to, to protect the happiness of someone who never protected mine!

[ His fingers clenched sharply. ]

But you’re not a Wen. You didn’t burn lotus pier, you didn’t fight in the sun shot campaign, and you didn’t kill my parents. Whatever their name means, it doesn’t mean you.

You- I- it doesn’t matter! You’re still Lan Sizhui!

[ There is silence for long, long moments yet. Then Sizhui makes a small sound that's. Not quite a sob, but very odd anyway, sets his cup down, and shifts to throw his arms around Jin Ling. Loosely, in case the hug is not welcome, but ... yes, that is definitely a hug, awkward and a little shaky. ]

Yes. [ Barely more than a breath. ] I am Lan Sizhui. I choose to be Lan Sizhui. Not in the least because this way I can stand by your side. Thank you for seeing that I am that, too.

[ ... Yeah, Sizhui doesn't get embarrassed easily. And, for once, he does need the physical contact. To reassure him that Jin Ling's choice is not just his dream, but, in fact, reality. ]

[ He wasn't expecting it, and he froze up, accidentally spilling a little of the hot chocolate onto his lap, but at least it wasn't scalding anymore. His face was warm again - maybe it was just perpetually warm in this forsaken place - and he carefully put his mug down before raising his hands to rest on Sizhui's arms, letting the boy hold him and... sort of returning it. He didn't really know how to do more than that. Not without embarrassing them both. ]

Don't be stupid. [ A little shaky, trying and failing to pretend he wasn't effected by the display of emotion. ]

Of course I see that. I've known you this long, haven't I? We've been through everything together. If I couldn't see that I would have to be blind!

Who other than a Lan would look at Hanguang-jun the way you and Jingyi do?

[ He faltered, swallowing, unable to quite ignore the stand by your side part, despite how it made his insides twist in a way he couldn't tell if it felt good or terrible. ]

... Who do we have if we haven't got each other? [ The question came out a little rougher, a little more honest, than he meant it to. ] Of course I'm standing with you, Sizhui, don't be stupid. If anyone gives you grief about where you come from, you just come to me and we'll make sure they remember their manners.

I'm sorry. [ Whispered, for the spilled drink, but he doesn't move away, not quite yet. He'll bring him down for something clean to wear until a cycle of laundry runs in a bit. He's just.

For once where Jin Ling can see it, it's Sizhui who is overwhelmed by emotions.

After a moment, he makes a sound that's halfway between a laugh and a sob, and nods, still against Jin Ling. ]

I'll remember. And you know - you know I'm here, too, right? It's... it's how I want it to be. [ He takes a few breaths to try to calm himself, but they are shaking. ]

The branch of the family that I came from. They were healers. They - didn't attack anyone. Well, it got complicated because of, of Mr. Wen, but...

I don't want to hurt anyone. I won't.

You're not going to hurt anyone. [ Automatic, almost defensive - as if someone else had claimed Sizhui could possibly be a danger to anyone, and not Sizhui himself.

He raised his hand to roughly put it over Sizhui's as it was wrapped around him, threading his fingers between the other boy's. ]

You are here. This is you.

You're not going to hurt anyone! And even if something happened, I'll be right here to pull you back, okay? I'm not going to let you be someone you never wanted to be.

This is me.

[ He breathes out, and melts a little into the arm holding him. ]

It's good to be me with you, Jin Ling. It's good to be me with people I care about.

[ He felt his face get even hotter, the arm around Sizhui tensing a little tighter, protectively.

He's never going to quite get used to Sizhui just bare-face saying he cares about him. How can he just say things like that??

But on the other hand... He kind of wishes he'd say it more. So he's not going to complain.

Also the fact that Sizhui thought that being around Jin Ling was good for him - when he'd spent so much of his life convinced he was a bother at best and an active detriment at worst - it makes his chest twist in unpredictable ways.

So, suddenly, and stubbornly: ]

Well I do. Care about you.

IC INBOX: PRISMATICA

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